| this is what you can say to me |
[16 Jul 2009|08:44am] |
If it's a weekday, and you're talking to me...
at 6:45am you can say HOW BOUT THAT FUCKIN COFFEE???
at 8am you can ask if I'm enjoying my goddamned breakfast
at 10am you can inquire as to the status of my secondbreakfast
at 11:55am you tell me to go to the fucking gym already
at 1:00 pm you can yell at me if I'm not eating grapesORbanana and protein drink
at 2:00pm you can be all like hey man I hear this is when you like to eat lunch
at 4:00pm you can text me about my secondlunch
at 6:00pm you can say man I bet it's hard to get down all that dinner
sometimes at 9:00pm you can catch me eating a fucking can of tuna
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| wouldjaliketatakeasurvey |
[14 Jul 2009|03:37pm] |
1) Are you really ready for 125 questions? YALL REDDY 4 THIS BA NA NA NUNT NUNT NA NUNT NAH NUNT NAH...
2) Was your last real relationship a mistake? Parts of it.
3) Do you believe in G-d? If I were to believe in any gods, I'd find the practice of omitting any of the letters in its name to be completely obnoxious and unnecessary, but as I DO NOT believe in any gods, I find it at least triply retarded...
4) Who did you last say "I love you" to? Denise
5) Do you regret it? Absolutely not.
6) Have you ever been depressed? Yeah, but probably never close to clinically so.
7) Have a best friend? I have a few best friends I'd say
8) Are you a boy or girl? boy
10) How do you want to die? I guess doing something that I love?
11) What did you last eat? I am currently eating a baked chicken breast.
12) Play any sports? I used to play little league and ran track in high school. I played a lot of flag football, wiffleball, volleyball, and floor hockey in RecSports in college. Now I play wiffleball, tackle football, bowl whenever I can and lift weights on a daily basis. I'll play just about anything...other than soccer.
13) Do you bite your nails? not anymore. one of the few bad habits ive actually been able to cease and desist
14) When was your last physical fight? middle school or high school, and I lost. I'm strong, but can't fight.
15) Do you have an attitude? my boss seems to think so...
16) Do you like someone? yes
17) Whats your real name? Joshua James Smith
19) Are you gonna get high later? you know, i just might!
20) Do you hate anyone at the moment? this bar-clearing busybody at the gym
21) Do you miss someone? yes
22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? I don't EAT spaghetti. What a stupid noodle.
23) Do you tan a lot? I am right now about as tan as I've ever been...and that's saying a lot since I don't tan much at all...
24) Have any pets? personally? no
25) How exactly are you feeling? neutral, content, a little sore on the inside of my right elbow
26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? of course!
27) Ever made out in the bathroom? most probably
28) Would you take any of your exes back? no
29) Are you scared of spiders? petrified
30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? sure! would i feel the need to change anything about my own life? no...but i'd definitely futz around a bit!
31) Do you regret anything from your past? no
32) What are your plans for this weekend? grandmas, tux fitting, likely doing something with denise but i don't know what yet
33) Do you want to have kids? yes, preferably one of each, but if I get to two, and they are both the same gender, I'm not sure I want to go to 3
34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an E? yes, and it was in GAY PARIS
35) Do you type fast? yes, thank you AIM
36) Do you have piercings? no
37) Want any more? never
38) Can you spell well? quite
39) Do you miss anyone from your past? probably
40) What are you craving right now? hmmm, more vacation?
41) Ever been to a bonfire party? yeah
43) Have you ever been on a horse? yep
44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck? im pretty sure no
45) Have you ever broken someone's heart? yeah i think i have
46) Have you ever been cheated on? aaaaaaaaaaabsolutely
47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes
49) Would you live with someone without marrying them? yes, and I have
50) What should you be doing? getting more work done, preparing for this presentation thingy
51) What's irritating you right now? gChat getting all locked up on my work computer when more than 2 people talk to me at once
52) Have you ever liked someone? yes
53) Does somebody love you? yes
54) What is your favorite color? blue
55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? yes
57) Do you have trust issues? no, not really
60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents? yes
62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? yeah
63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? denise
64) Do you give out second chances too easily? no
65) Is it easier to forgive or forget? yeah its definitely harder to forget
66) Is this year the best year of your life? given the highs? maybe. given the balance, definitely not
67) What was your childhood nickname? i have always been quite resistant to nicknames for some reason
68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked? yes
69) Do you think you're a good person? yes
70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? only if the reason is you worked for it and/or everyone acted in such a way as to facilitate the most amiable situation
71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? petted puck while laying on the floor with him
73) What is bothering you? being a little tired and unable to jump right back on the weightlifting horse after a week off on vacation
74) Have you ever been out of the country? yes
75) Do you play the Wii? oy vey, all the friggin time
76) Are you listening to music right now? no although i might as well be
77) Do you like Chinese food? looove it
78) Do you know your fathers b- day? not off the top of my head, it's at the end of september i think
79) Are you afraid of the dark? no, unless it's particularly unfamiliar dark
81) Are you mean? no i don't think so
82) Can you keep white shoes clean? who the fuck cares?
83) Have you noticed this survey stopped getting personal? FART
84) Do you believe in true love? i just might
85) Are you proud of the person you've become? yeah i think so
86) Do you like the outside? it's alright
89) Are you currently bored? not really
90) Do you wanna get married? yes
91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? sure
92) Are you hungry? no i just ate
93) Do you have a bank account? yes, two
94) What makes you happy? friends, games, music, food, beer, relaxing
95) Would you change your name? no
96) Ever been to Alaska? nope
98) Do you watch the news? i read a bit of it on the internets, but rarely watch it on teavie
99) What' s your zodiac sign? cancer
100) Do you like Subway? I've come around on it recently, what with Quizno's completely jewing up their operation, but I nevertheless find it to be fairly low-rent.
101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? It would be harder to spend 5 minutes with them without kissing them.
102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? I bang them.
103) Do you talk like your friends? yeah
105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them? yeah
106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yes
107) Who is the last guy you talked to? Terry at work
108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? as long as it stays just social...and i'd prefer if it stopped being menthols, lol
109) Do you go to church? fuck no
110) What's going on between you and your best friend? i don't have one particular best friend
111) Who's the last person you had a deep conversation with? denise
113) Do you enjoy piercings & tattoos? mehhhh
114) What do you wear more: jeans, sweats, pants, or shorts? pants only because of work. i haven't worn jeans since middle school, at which point i permanently switched to corduroys.
115) You're a Sharpie marker, what color are you? black
116) Where do you go if you are butt naked and locked out of your house? down by the boardwalk, down by the seaaaaaaaaaaaa
117) Do you prefer to shower at night or in the morning? no time in the morning, do it after my workout at work at lunchtime
118) Have you ever said you'd never love again? no
119) Do you want to please everyone? my mom is always convinced that i am, but i honestly don't think i give a damn
120) Have you heard a song that reminds you of someone today? unfortch, no
121) Has someone ever made you a promise & broken it? probably
122) Are you alone? not in the office, no
123) Do you have any siblings? 1 of each kind
124) Did you speak to your father today? texted
125) How many months until your birthday? 0
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| you can't make this shit up |
[25 Jun 2009|06:51am] |
On a poster in my work building for a presentation for "Safety and Health Issues in an Aging Workforce" the first bullet on the list of topics of discussion was the following: "There has been a pronounced increase in the US of the number of chronologically-gifted workers."
!!!
This is fucking stupid, awful, terrible PC run amok...I mean, really?? CHRONOLOGICALLY-GIFTED??? If I were 80 years old right now, I would punch whoever came up with this pap right in the fucking ass.
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| this is for tim |
[12 May 2009|11:54am] |
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song 2490 of 8293 is Charades by No Knife
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| ploppins |
[11 May 2009|09:07am] |
me: man
man man man
banging my boner against the wall
Sent at 8:06 AM on Monday
me: wet socks
TIAA Cref
Sent at 8:14 AM on Monday
me: omg thick ropey jets of jizzum
ptooey right into the toilet bowl
skeet skeet skeet
Sent at 8:16 AM on Monday
me: novoselic on a Ritz
go tell it on the mountain
over the hills and into my anus
cripwalk right into my heart
It is chock full of twist endings.
Justin: the fuck
Sent at 8:22 AM on Monday
me: you've saved me
are you JesuChristou?
oh dear lord I need to stop drinking
I have had 52 beers since 6pm
Justin: wtf are you drinking at work
me: yeah I brough in a case
brought*
I am pissing myself
I jerked off on the wall of the racquetball court
Sent at 8:25 AM on Monday
me: oh fuck i spilled my beer all over my fucking desk
fuck fuck fuck
call the cops on me
right down the hatch
glug glug glug
yo come drink with me
Justin: i can't, i would die
me: why
come die with me
brb
Justin: my liver would wreck up the place
me: wow i can't believe the secretary didn't forward that call to me
i guess she knows im drunk
Justin: you should have her fired
me: i just walked by her cubicle with my pants down
this is not going to end well
Justin: you should draw some lines on your thighs and tell her to suck between the lines
me: ha!
i actually smeared shit all over my legs
and tried to wash it off with the beer
but it didn't really work
Sent at 8:34 AM on Monday
me: im actually singing and playing 99 bottles of beer on the wal
its a game right
because im going to win in a few hours
Justin: http://www.yooouuutuuube.com/v/?rows=36&cols=36&id=gvmyTZEqlo8&startZoom=1
me: holy fucks
let's drink with that guy
pour some vodka directly into my asshole
i need all holes filled
man, she has got suchhhhhhhhhhhh a body BUTTERFACE OMG
Sent at 8:37 AM on Monday
me: can you pick me up a handle of goldschlager?
Justin: http://www.yooouuutuuube.com/v/?rows=45&cols=45&id=Pem4FCrdjG8&startZoom=1
me: WHOAAAAAAAAAA
this is amazing
I just cummed
It smells like shit in this place
Justin: gross
Sent at 8:41 AM on Monday
me: I can't stop jerking off in the racquetball court
my dick is raw and bleeding all over my shorts
Justin: don't worry, bill murray
me: i just put a cigarillo out on my left testicle
Justin: christ in hell
me: it burned through the sac!
ah god
fuckin fuck
im playing with my balls inside the sac
its weird
Sent at 8:45 AM on Monday
Justin: teleport to the right
me: I just drank 3 beers in 60 seconds
Justin: you are gonna get fired
me: fuck god i know
what would jesus do
Justin: he do some shots
me: would you rather fuck jesus in the ass or have him suck your motherfucking cock
Justin: http://www.yooouuutuuube.com/v/?rows=36&cols=36&id=8mVEGfH4s5g&startZoom=1
me: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
assfuck or cocksuck
Sent at 8:51 AM on Monday
me: trent reznor or johnny rockets
dimpled golf balls or anal flagellation
Justin: blownpone
me: spoonwoman
stick the item in your cunt
shave me
slice the rhythm with you ass
rape meeeeeee
Sent at 8:54 AM on Monday
me: crepe me
pour the syrup in my hair
fill me up and don't go there
Justin: i'm call oblama and telling him one of his employees needs to be sent home today
me: hahahahaaaahahhahaha
OBLAMA OBLAMA OBLAMA OBLAMA OBLAMA OBLAMA OBLAMA OBLAMA
ding dong
May 2007 Metropolitan and Nonmetropolitan Area Occupational Employment and Wage Estimates Tucson, AZ
there are flies eating my shit
i think i need more beer
Sent at 8:58 AM on Monday
me: come disconnect the dots with me ploppin
La Polyps
Sent at 9:01 AM on Monday
me: exploding shorts
salute my courtmarshalling
Sent at 9:05 AM on Monday
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| shuffle up my iPod, dingusbone |
[01 May 2009|10:14am] |
THE MARS VOLTA - CICATRIZ ESP is song (schlong) 2246 of 8293! I'm making progress lately you guys omg
lol
bbq
roflmao
mao
mao
maomaoamaaomaomao
mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa, mamasaymamasamamakusa
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| IPOD SHUFFLE HI TIM |
[22 Apr 2009|09:23am] |
GIRLY BY THE REFRESHMENTS IS SONG 2068 of 8293
BEAT ME TIL IM BLACK AND BLUE AND IM
VERY NEARLY DEAD
AND I CAN GET BACK UP AND WE CAN
DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN
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| this song is just about right on |
[21 Apr 2009|02:23pm] |
sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and i have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.
i am waiting for something to go wrong.
i am waiting for familiar resolve.
sometimes it seems that i don't have the skills to recollect
the twists and turns of plots that took us from lovers to friends
i'm thinking i should take that volume back up off the shelf
and crack it's weary spine and read to help remind myself
but if i move my place in line i'll lose.
and I have waited, the anticipation's got me glued.
i am waiting for something to wrong
i am waiting for familiar resolve
i am waiting for another repeat
another diet fed by crippling defeat
and i am waiting for that sense of relief
i am waiting for you to flee the scene
as if you held in your hand the smoking gun
and on the floor lay the one you said you loved.
and it's strange
they are basically the same
so i don't ask names anymore.
sometimes i think this cycle never ends
we slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
and it seems by the time that i have figured what it's worth
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse.
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse
the squeaking of our skin against the steel has gotten worse
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| shingle |
[20 Apr 2009|06:59am] |
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I'm single again. Ladies, come do me.
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| gas bean burrito |
[13 Apr 2009|08:00am] |
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I have the I-Ate-A-Whole-Pot-Of-Macaroni-And-Cheese-For-Dinner-Last-Night-And-Just-Now-Ate-Two-Hardboiled-Eggs-Farts. It happens every Monday morning. It comes with an assist from having drank ten beers last night and drinking a glass of skim milk this morning.
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| shin splints? |
[07 Apr 2009|01:08pm] |
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I've had this nagging pain on the side of my right leg about 6 inches above my ankle for a week or so...when I push on it with my thumb it hurts even more...it didn't occur to me until today that it's probably a shin splint...I haven't had those for so long I forgot what it was like
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| lifting things |
[06 Apr 2009|07:23am] |
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Well I feel strong today, and I felt like I was going to feel strong today yesterday. I think I'll be able to do 3 sets of 5 with 275 pounds on the bench today...maybe even 275/280/285!
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| song 1784 of 8293 |
[20 Mar 2009|08:15am] |
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BUNNIES by HORSE the Band OH GOD THIS SONG IS SO GOOD AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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| 1729 of 8293 |
[17 Mar 2009|09:15am] |
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SONG NUMBER ONE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED TWENTY NINE OF EIGHT THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED NINETY THREE IS STAYING ALIVE (the indie not the disco) BY CURSIVE (the band not the writing)
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| oh my boss |
[13 Mar 2009|07:36am] |
So I am writing this letter for work, and I got my draft back with a post it pointing to a section of it that indeed *did* have two spaces and the post it said, "this is supposed to be two spaces" So I'm thinking, this IS two spaces, so I write that on the note and give it back. My boss thinks this is disrespectful and "borderline insubordination" ...this is actually an expression she uses quite often. In a way she's right because I have absolutely no respect for her as she is an under qualified, uneducated piece of shit, but I just don't see how pointing out that there ARE two spaces where she said there are SUPPOSED to be two spaces, as if there are not, is disrespectful....It's simply matter of fact. So she brings me into her office and goes all ranty on me about how she doesn't care what I've done before, the letters will be written how she wants them, and I say fine, you're right, that's all I want to do is write them how you want them to be written and move on. BUT LISTEN LADY, YOUR NOTE SAID "THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE TWO SPACES" AND IT WAS TWO SPACES AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO COPE WITH MY REALITY IF POINTING OUT FACTS IS CONSIDERED INSUBORDINATE. Turns out she didn't realize what she actually fucking wrote. She kept yelling as if she wrote, "this is supposed to be one space" BUT THATS NOT WHAT SHE WROTE. Apparently I'm supposed to understand that she didn't mean what she actually wrote. Oh, and the funniest part of the conversation that I almost forgot about was her saying, "you'd think in English 101 or whatever, they would teach you how to write letters." Of course I couldn't respond to this without being prickish, because it's a stupid fucking thing for her to say and I couldn't possibly mask my contempt if I did respond...
but what I wanted to say is, "how dare you question MY education, you didn't even fucking GO to college, and I'm not even sure you graduated high school, and yet here you are, being the boss of me because you managed to last long enough in the government after starting out as a TYPIST (aside from the fact that you can't type and can't spell and apparently can't even read your own writing) to turn it into a GS-14 SUPERVISORY POSITION I CANNOT FUCKING BELIEVE YOU MAKE OVER 100K IT IS A GODDAMN TRAVESTY YOU ARE SO IGNORANT IT MAKES ME LITERALLY SICK TO MY STOMACH...and here's the thing, they don't teach you to *write letters* in English, because English is a literary degree, not a tutorial on being a goddamn clerical useless shit, and nobody gives a shit about writing letters anyways AND EVEN IF I DID LEARN PROPER LETTER WRITING SKILLS you would still contradict it! All I've done since I got here is take the previous letter your approved and use it as a template for the next one, and yet you still contradict the things you approve CONSTANTLY and seemingly quite arbitrarily. It's unbelievable how useless you are."
But instead I'll probably seethe and stew and electric boogaloo.
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